Editing: A Bus Scene

I am currently in the editing stage of the third book in the European Tour Trilogy. My process involves printing out a copy and reading through it for major issues and hopefully catching some typos and grammar errors although that is not the main goal yet. As I was playing around with one segment of a scene, I thought it would be fun to show you the original and then compare it to the revised one (which might still not be the final one!)

Original

                “Not as gorgeous as you,” Vivian smiled, reached up to take his hand as Marcus stepped into their seat. Lucy felt his lips tighten but managed not to grimace. At least she thought her expression stayed neutral.

                “You missed the train for a guy?” Aubrye called back up, the disapproval staying out of her voice but clear on her face. However, both Vivian and Corinne were facing the front of the bus and missed the look.

                “Daniel was so interesting!” Corinne gushed. “He’s traveled around the world, and you should see his photos. Oh, he took some of us down by the water!”

                She popped up from her seat, her phone in her hand. Aubrye waved her off. “I’ll look at those later. I’m sure we need to get going and we have to sit down first.”

                “Maybe you should have been a little nicer,” Lucy muttered quietly as she sat down next to Aubrye, Corinne looking pouty before dropping back down in her seat.

Revised

                “Not as gorgeous as you,” Vivian smiled, reaching up to take his hand as Marcus stepped into their seat. Lucy felt her lips tighten but managed not to grimace. At least she hoped her expression stayed neutral.

                “You missed the train for a guy?” Aubrye paused in the aisle, the disapproval staying out of her voice but clear on her face.

                “He was so interesting!” Corinne gushed, oblivious to Aubrye’s glare as she scrolled through her photo gallery. “He’s traveled around the world, and you should see his photos. Oh, Daniel even took some of us down by the water!”

                Corinne popped up from her seat, her phone in her hand. Aubrye waved her off. “I’ll look at those later. I’m sure we need to get going, and we have to sit down first.”

                “Maybe you should have been a little nicer,” Lucy muttered quietly as she sat down next to Aubrye, Corinne looking pouty before dropping back down in her seat. Across the aisle, Vivian had missed the entire exchange, her attention solely focused on Marcus.